What I Always Wanted
by PottedLilies
Summary: Regulus Black: "I’ve decided that no matter what they say, people never really change. They form their opinions early on and keep them until the last. That’s what Sirius was like, what my parents were like, and honestly, what I am like to this day."


**Hey everyone, this is just a short little oneshot from Regulus' POV. Setting is right before he goes to find the locket. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

_Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike._

**What I Always Wanted**

Growing up, I'd always been the second son. My parents pretended, of course, that I was their favorite, but I always knew better than that. You see, I'm not as daft and dimwitted as everyone seems to think. I've noticed the spark in my parents eyes when they speak of Sirius, heard the meaning behind hateful words.

He was always the favorite, even after he ran away. I think it had something to do with his guts, I mean, he actually believed in something and acted on it, where as I was the one to sit on the sidelines and let others get their hands dirty. He was the interesting one, the one worth talking about and fighting over. He was blasted off the tapestry in the drawing room, but there would always be whispers, heard from behind closed doors, whispers of how he would be such an asset to the family.

A year ago, I decided to change things. I wanted – no, I _craved _– my parents' attention. I wanted to be like Sirius, but live up to their expectations.

So I joined the Dark Lord, whom they admire fervently. I did his bidding, suffered at his hand, and had his mark forever burned into my arm to please them. And you know what? They didn't fucking care.

It was as if doing what they wanted of me was to be expected, but never praised. As if everything I did was simply what they always knew I would and that in doing it, I was being predictable, just a continuing disappointment. I worked so hard to be better, I tortured and killed more Mudbloods, and I volunteered for anything and everything the Dark Lord asked. But nothing ever made a difference.

I've decided that no matter what they say, people never really change. They form their opinions early on and keep them until the last. That's what Sirius was like, what my parents were like, and honestly, what I am like to this day. I was never destined to be a Death Eater. I forced myself into it and pretended that I enjoyed it for the benefit of my family. I laughed with Bellatrix as she whispered secrets told by dying men. I attended Lucius' wedding and made a show of my new mark, wearing it as a badge for them, while to me, it was merely a scar. I helped my mother as she attempted to strip Sirius' old room of the bold red decorations that adorned it, while secretly wishing I had been able to do the same to my own.

I always thought that once I earned the love and respect of my family, I would find happiness and fulfillment in my position in the ranks of the Dark Lord, but as time wore on, I began to realize that no amount of wicked deeds could get me what I wanted. People never change. They always took me for being second rate, and they would for the rest of my life.

Not that I intended my life to last much longer.

When Kreature had come home from his mission with my master, injured and terrified, I knew I had to act. Of all the people in this bloody house, he was the only one who ever really saw me, and I sent him off to be tortured for my own glory.

It was then I saw what Sirius had meant when he called us sick and twisted.

So I had Kreature relay to me every brutal detail of his adventure, and once he did, I knew full well what the Dark Lord was trying to accomplish. I had read about them – horcruxes, I mean – while perusing an old book of my mother's. And I knew that if ever there was truly to be a better world – a world where people could exist without fear, and a place where no one fought wars they didn't believe in – I would have to find that locket and destroy it.

I think I finally found some of that Gryffindor bravery that Sirius discovered at a far younger age. It was in me all along, I think, but I had spent so much time trying to please my parents, to become the faithful little Slytherin they always wanted, that I had buried any hint of bravery somewhere deep inside, while my brother allowed his own to lead him away from the hate and injustice I now found myself wrapped up in.

I'm proud of it – that bravery. It means that I can be what I always wanted, be someone worth talking about and worth fighting over. Too bad I knew that where I was going, glory and love were far out of my reach.

And that was okay, I suppose. It must be that feeble Gryffindor inside me speaking again, but maybe recognition was not mandatory. Maybe what I always wanted – the love of my family – was something I could never have. Because I'm right, you know, people never change. And once I accepted that fact, once I could live for me and me alone, I realized that it's not good enough – to live for myself. In a world ravaged by war, I had to pick a side and stand up for it. Since I could no longer live with the cruelty of my former master, at least, not after what he had done to Kreature, I decided that I could fight against him. I could do what Sirius always wanted to do, and was beginning to do, but I could do it in a way that Sirius would never be able to, because for once in my life, I had a greater knowledge than he did.

It's a quite satisfying feeling, let me tell you.

Death was coming for me. It was imminent, looming towards me in a great suppressing cloud. But now, for the first time, I was ready to run and embrace it with open arms, because I had let that little Gryffindor loose and he had come out full force, brandishing a sword and easily destroying the Slytherin ghost that had controlled me for so long.

I've finally become what I had always wanted to be, but only Kreature – if all went according to plan – would ever know of it. I could accept that, though. After all, he had always been the one to believe in me, even if he was only a house elf. He had been the only one to truly hate Sirius and love me. So I suppose it will be fitting that he's the one to see my true self, to see that I really am everything he thought I could be. While my parents, who so often overlooked me completely, would never have the slightest clue as to what happened.

But as the Slytherin inside of me died away, he took with him my desperate need for their acceptance. It was not at all that Slytherins needed love while Gryffindors didn't, rather, Slytherins were too narrow minded to be like Gryffindors and see the love in people – or creatures – that one would not expect to have feelings of their own.

I realize now that maybe I had been loved all along. Sure it was only the naïve admiration of a magical creature bred to love and obey, but there was always a choice involved, no matter how lowly you were. And Kreature – simple minded, blundering, devoted Kreature – had chosen me and not my brother. That had to count for something.

No, really, it counts for everything.

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**PLEASE REVIEW!**

**This is my first attempt at writing in first person, so feedback would be wonderful!**

**Love you all to bits! (:**

**Love Always,**

**Kayla**

_It is important to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then can evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated._


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